How to Burn Your Hair
by fernazab
Summary: Chapter two could be considered an apology for chapter one. No slash.
1. Sloppy Groundwork

**We hope this is funny. We're not sure though. Our minds are too tainted with bias. Please tell us whether or not it's funny.**

**We wanted to call this "Dragoon's Revenge" or "Dragoon's Parting Gift." However, we've noticed that some people enjoy separating the identities the of Merlin and "Emrys." Since we weren't doing anything like that, we didn't want you to think we were. BTW, though it's not mentioned in the story, Uther thinks the burning hair is Dragoon's revenge.  
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**_We are presuming you have seen the episode "Queen of Hearts." If you haven't we strongly advise that you don't read this. At least not until after you've seen that episode. That is, unless you like being confused._**

**_We'd also like to point out that this isn't are best work. We just wanted to go ahead put it up. Because it's on our list of terrors. _NO, FERN! It isn't our best work, but it's NOT on our list of terrors. **

**_P.S. In case you were wondering. We don't own Merlin._  
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**_P.S.S. No slash._**

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Merlin closed his eyes to the explosion. When he opened them, he saw white fluff. Everywhere.

He gaped. The spell had worked. He had aged, but his hair had also grown unimaginably long. It spiraled from Merlin's face to a knee high lump around him. It was at least mid-calf high everywhere else.

Merlin muttered a spell to cut the hair at his waist. He would leave his hair and beard long to increase the effect of the disguise. At least, it would be considered long to everyone else. Merlin had a new definition of long hair.

Merlin then attempted to untangle himself from the mess of hair. However, his now achy, old body protested. Escaping knee high hair would have a minor adventure when was young. Now, in his sudden old age, it was arduous and seemed insurmountable. Merlin resorted to magic.

He groaned. Merlin was now standing in the only patch of floor that was free from the wretched blanket of hair. It didn't sound like a good idea to leave it. What if someone, like Arthur, came in here looking for Merlin. No reasonable excuse existed for absurdly long old man hair. But he didn't have time to dispose of it quite yet.

Using magic, Merlin tried to shrink it. The hair shrunk, but not as much as Merlin would have liked. He tried to shove the hair under his bed with his powers. The abomination wouldn't all fit. Merlin had to cut off parts of the hair, pull up floor boards, and even stuff some of it into cupboards.

Having finally hidden the last inch of the white hair, Merlin walked his creaky old body down stairs to show Gaius his accomplishment.

_The next day..._

Merlin was young and covered in stable muck. He staggered haphazardly into his room. He sank onto his bed. What he really needed to do was look under the bed. But surely, after drinking the potion, the hair would disappear. However, a corner of Merlin's mind gnawed at him. The hair stashed about the room had no longer been attached to him when he drank the potion. A small part of him wanted to ask Gaius to look for him. Merlin was almost felt that it would be gone only if it wasn't him that looked. Someone else had to look first, or it would reappear. Merlin sighed. He bent over and lifted his blanket.

He knew should have had Gaius look. The abomination was still there.

_That evening..._

Merlin wasn't sure how he had managed to sneak out of Camelot with several pounds of hair. But he did it! Merlin dug a large hole and dumped in the hair.

"_Forbaern!"_

Merlin gagged. The stench was suffocatingly horrific. For a minute Merlin thought he might die right there.

Even when Merlin got back home, he could still smell it. _Great, _he thought sarcastically. The smell must have seeped into his clothes.

_The next morning..._

"Rise and shine!" Merlin said boisterously.

Arthur sat up groggily. "Ugh, the room smells..." Arthur shook his head. "Awful... still."

"Still?" Merlin asked.

"A stench invaded my chambers last night," Arthur said, "You've got to take care of it. It smelled almost like burning hair."

So Arthur smelled it too. It didn't just seep into Merlin's clothes last night. It must have attacked all of Camelot.

Merlin said without thinking, "Could've been my hair."

Arthur looked confused. "Not unless you shaved your head and burnt the clippings right outside my room." Arthur's voice took on a mischievous tone, "Why? Are you wearing a wig?"

Arthur leapt out of bed. He grabbed Merlin's hair and gave it a nice tug.

"Ouch!" Merlin yelled.

"Now, get working, or maybe _I_ will burn your hair."

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**Please review. **

**Also, we will be writing an alternate version of this story. We think the alternate will be much funnier. Instead, Merlin will leave sheet of hair on his floor for the day. We will do this once we've put up another chapter for "Crossover Blues."  
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**Yes, we know that, logically, if the spell affected his hair like that, it should also affect his nails. However, we decided to leave that alone. As far as we're concerned, for some strange reason, the hair but not the nails was affected.**


	2. Change Groundwork and Add Buffoons

**Really, we don't like this piece. _We like this chapter a lot more than first. No offence if you liked the first chapter. Hopefully, this will either be a satisfactory penance or a heightening to your enjoyment._**

**We have been avoiding writing this follow-up. To make getting this over with more enjoyable, we decided to do what we affectionately call "self-insert buffoon." We don't actually act like this. _We don't? I thought it was fairly accurate ;p _If it was, we wouldn't be able to stand each other long enough to write any fanfiction.**

**Ooh! And for those of you who have read the A/Ns of "It's Tired and I'm Early": You get to see the out-of-character stick in action!**

**However you felt about the previous chapter... Enjoy!**

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Two writers stared at the unsatisfactory bit of writing.

The dirty blonde girl groaned, "Why did we write that? Much less publish it!"

A girl with light brown hair broke an awkward thinking face to reply, "Because we were desperate to post something." She slipped back into her awkward thinking face.

"And we promised a second chapter. What were we thinking?"

"Again, desperation."

"Do we have to? No one cares."

"Except that our word is our bond."

"Crap. Let's just get this over with."

"'Excellent notion.'"

Both women disapparated.

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Merlin cut his over-long hair. He was thinking that he needed to get rid of the catastrophe in his room. Then he heard a loud crack. He wheeled around. The warlock was barely able to register the two women before the brown-haired girl hit him in the face with a stick.

Merlin's face went slack. "Master?" He said in a squeaky, awe-filled voice.

"See all this hair?" The brunette asked.

"Yes, I see it, master."

"Hurry it up, Fern," snapped the blonde. "Before it wears off."

Fern waved her hand impatiently. "We can always hit him again, Zab. Anyways, Merlin, you are going to deal with your hair later. You have more important things to do."

"Of course, master," Merlin droned.

"You don't remember seeing us."

"Or hearing us," Zab added.

"That too," Fern agreed.

"That too," Merlin repeated lifelessly.

"That's just creepy," Fern and Zab said in unison.

"That's just creepy," Merlin repeated.

"He's copying us; it's about to wear off. Let's go," Fern said, turning to Zab.

The women disapparated.

A minute later, Merlin shook off his trance. Looking at the hair, he suddenly felt that he couldn't waste anymore time. And he now had a strange sense that repeating after people was creepy. Not that he generally cared to copy-cat others before then.

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Arthur Pendragon scoured the castle for his lazy, idiotic manservant. Finally, his search brought him to Gaius's. He heard an indistinct muffled noise from Merlin's room.

"_Mer_lin!" Arthur called.

No reply.

He stomped up the stairs and opened the door. The sight of the room nearly caused the crowned prince of Camelot to stumble backward. Shiny white... Dare he say it? Fluff. Arthur drew his sword. He wasn't certain whether Merlin had gotten himself into trouble and/or come up with a harebrained plan. Hair? Arthur grimaced as he realized what the white fluff was. Hair. Long, repulsive bale loads of hair. How or why so much hair wound up in his manservant's room was beyond Arthur.

He tentatively poked the massive lump of hair. Well, it probably wasn't alive. Arthur pulled his sword back. The prince stepped into the room and onto the hair.

"_Mer_lin," Arthur called, "what is all this?"

_Thwack!_

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_Several minutes earlier in Merlin's room..._

"No, I've already told you. You can't have it," Fern said firmly. With one hand, she held her sister's forehead at arm's length. Her other hand clutched the out-of-character stick at arm's length in the opposite direction.

"But it's my turn!" Zab protested. She pulled the offending hand off her forehead. Then she made a dive for the stick. And missed.

"No, it isn't. You hit Arthur last time! I want a turn."

"No. You used it last time. That makes it my turn."

"No, it doesn't. You hit Arthur last—"

"That's beside the point. The last person to use the out-of-character stick was you. Now hand it over."

Zab grabbed Fern's wrist. Using her sister's wrist as leverage, the blonde girl threw her body between her sister's arms. This effectively blocked Fern's ability to protect her treasure. Zab pressed her advantage and began using both of her hands to pry the stick from Fern. As the struggle ensued, Fern noticed something terrible.

Her nail polish was chipping. Fern yielded in an effort to save her poor chipping nails.

Zab, holding the out-of-character stick above her head, triumphantly flounced away from her sister.

"Now, are you sure that this is the right time?" Zab demanded. She scratched her legs.

"I'm sure."

"It's itchy and gross! I think we're too early or too late. Did I mention that it's itchy and—"

"That's what you get for wearing capris... and flip flops," Fern replied blandly.

"Doesn't change the fact that it's gross and itchy."

Fern was about to retort when they heard the signal to shut up. Arthur's voice calling for Merlin. The women pressed their backs against the wall on either side of the door.

Arthur entered the small room. Zab lunged forward and managed to hit the 'ultimate killing machine' with the out-of-character stick.

"Master?" Arthur turned his now slack face toward Zab.

"You didn't need to hit him. A poke would have done the job," Fern reprimanded.

Zab fought the urge to point out that it was only fun if you hit them. After all, she had a victim under the influence of the stick. Right now, he was extremely pliable. And Arthur Pendragon did not need anymore encouragement to hit people. Especially not with a message that could be translated into 'life is no fun unless you hit others.' The effects _would _wear off... eventually. Still, it was a bad plan. Zab opted for a retort that couldn't be mistaken for a disastrous command:

"You're to talk. Hit any old men lately?"

"No, I haven't, master," Arthur answered in place of Fern. "Would you like me to?"

"No!" Zab answered quickly. "No, I have a different task for you. This hair," she indicated the fluff, "is a monster. It ate Merlin. There is still a chance you could save him. React accordingly."

* * *

Arthur awoke from his trance, unaware that he had even been in one. Suddenly, he had the most amazing epiphany. The hair was a monster. It had eaten Merlin. He needed to save Merlin! Arthur wondered why thought that idea was so amazing as he plunged his sword into the hair.

He swayed slightly. Why had he been standing on one leg? It didn't matter. He needed to save Merlin!

Arthur hacked madly at the hair. Bits of white flew everywhere. The hair wasn't putting up much of a fight. But the prince continued his violent attacks on the seemingly defenseless opponent.

"Sire!" Gaius's voice rang out. "What..." The old man was at a loss for words.

Arthur ignored the physician. He needed to kill the hair!

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An hour later, Gaius managed to convince his royal highness to leave. The physician had said he needed to research the "creature." He would call for the prince's services once a way to "defeat" the hair was found.

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Arthur was chasing "Dragoon the Great" down the halls. Arthur turned a corner. He saw a fluttering of clothes. The old man was hiding just around that corner. Arthur was going to catch—

"Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed. "You're alive!"

_Focus,_ he told himself.

"Where did the sorcerer go, Merlin?" Arthur asked.

Merlin twitched very oddly. "Wha—" He croaked. "He went... He went that way." Merlin pointed at the wall behind him. He jerkily looked at different angles of the ceiling.

"Sound the warning bell," Arthur ordered to the guards. "Search the entire palace. I want him found." Then he turned back to Merlin, who was now hugging his cheek with his hand, "Are you telling me that you let run straight past you?"

"He was—he was—he was too fast for me."

"He's a doddering old man!" Merlin was now tugging on his cheek. What was he doing? "Well, at least you're alive."

"What? He didn't attack me... just... out ran me."

"Out ran you?" What was Merlin talking about? What did the old man have to do with the hair monster? And why did Merlin just cringe?

"Arthur... Why are you standing on one leg?"

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**_In case you're wondering we told Arthur that he had to stand one leg. Whenever he staying still for more than 10 seconds. _**

**Please review! We grudgingly kept our word (even if you don't care). We need to know how you feel about this chapter. Better? Worse? About the same?**


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